2025 march 8, 6:20 pm

dear blog,

hello, i feel weird everyday. i know inside, there is something there, one thing that is one million things at once. it keeps me hostage here, it make my head hurt and my chest burn. it doesnt make me human, i am disgusting and shocking if you were to exprience it. like an off tune piano note, i am here but fixing must be made deep inside. it is weird, even my friends who are supposedly just as damaged as i am, i find no place with them at all. if i were to tell you, if we sat and talked together, the words that would come out of my mouth is just my best way to let you in on this horrible embodiment of something more inside of me. it lives me. it is not a feeling. it never goes away. even when it does, i feel it just on the other side of the door. its back is against it, and its waiting for me there. to open it, and greet it awkwardly

not what i am, how i am, it is clear that i am something that is wrong. how i talk and think, it doesnt make any sense when you compare it to someone elses mind. it feels that way anyway. i dont know anything at all. it is like, there is a scribble in my mind. its not a tornado, or something huge, its just static that goes on and on. when the show turns off, the tv is hardwired to its static state. i am a stupid idiot tv. the static is loud and i am used to its noises by now, it is my neutral state. i dont know what im doing anymore. there is nothing inside to explain anything at all. my friends, i want to be close with them, but the closer i am, the closer i remember what an embarresing mess i am. that i am really a fool, in every aspect. i am the best, i am the worst, i am everything at different times. right now, i am everything wrong

i want to hold someone tight. it is pathetic, but i want to live without this urge, it wants to come out. if someone were to hold me tight enough, it will come out eventually. am i so selfish to want what i give ? do i give only to recieve, what a stupid idoot didoiiodioioisoioisoipaipoiodidfhifd why why wyhhwywhwyhwwyhwhywhhwy............ god why dont i understand anything this makes me so anxious that i am waiting for something so unpredictable. when will a knight come and either put his sword in my stomach and finish this off or put me on his horseback and take me far away, but, even then , the feelings will find me eventually. i will rest my head on his shoulder, and i will cry so much, i havent cried in so long, i wish i could do it as easily as i did when i was 15. i am 17 now. everything is getting old. its getting really old for me to be this much of a fool. waiting for something that is not coming.

i want everyone to give me grace, but im not a little girl. and i have to handle myself now. whatever i fucking am...

what the FUCK I WISH ID DIE I WISH GOD WOULD TAKE ME IM SO angry i dont want this i dont want anything but ill be ok i probably just need food but after the food i will be this way again why why whyw hwy why am i so immature and stupid Bruhhhhhhheeeeelp what a freaking joke

i want everything like all the time, why am i so greedy, help me. i want attention. i want to be alone. i want to be touched. i want to never be touched. i want to talk. i never want to talk to anyone ever again. i want to die. i dont want to die. My life is up, it is down. up. down. up. down.

this reminds me of when id hurt myself, i was so young, i have not done it in years, in that time, it felt like i was called to, it was something that i couldnt not explain, something wrong, felt it wa s meant for me, and so it was right. myfeelings feel comforting to me now, they are horrible emotions, but they fit inside just as they like

i peeled an orange with my hands, my nails smell like citrus and the peels are laying distraught on my bed