up there is from rhe 15th, too short of a post so here is me a week later.

dear blog,

i dont know. i am typing this on my ipad currently, so excuse any errors and so forth. Actually, i should make a doc instead, then copy it here. Anyway, many things have happened. I live with my grandma now, i lived with my mom originally but as daughters and mothers do; there is always a very big tension and argument between the two. i try not to give her any trouble, to be a good daughter, but god knows i am an honest person, and after months i felt i can only keep my morals inside of me for so long. So, here i am. I have cried often. I have no mother, or sister. The women in my life have become my enemies and this accounts for myself also.

i can’t help but feel ashamed for wanting so much in this time. i feel like i am faking myself out, the emotions i feel are wrong and it’s true that i am nothing but sensitive stupid girl. yesterday, on the tv, my nana was watching church, the pastor talked about only feeling for others, and never yourself. He said, “let’s face it, when you think about yourself; you only feel sadder.” Okay… this must explain why i’m such a self loathing person. All i think about is me, what to do, what to wear, how to talk…. i am self centered and obnoxious. I try to think about others more. Is it too judgmental to think i do it so much, others should care in turn? A true good soul wouldn’t care about that, getting this or that in return. This leads to more selfish and rude comments inside my own mind about again, my own well being. Myself.

But i am born unto sin with my flesh that bruises and feels very easily. It cannot be so bad to wish for someone to listen as i do, ask the questions i always ask, and even after that question, they ask on and on because of a curious mind. I’ve met people like this before, i may be insecure, but i wonder if they know how they look to other people. it is like they glow. they give their conversations to others, and they laugh when the other person messes up a word. It’s okay! that happens to me all of the time. Wait what!? they said that about you!? Please tell me more! I want to sink into people like that, and i wish we would both ask each other questions all of the time. I try to be like this often, i do it for motive and closeness. My head i bet, is in all the wrong places. And what i give, my sinful intentions do it for something back

well, everything is crazy as of now. i’m 18 soon, and i have a bike i have ridden everywhere since yesterday. I prayed to God, give me a friend who will understand when i am crying. He knows i am selfish, and indecisive; but i hope the things i want even if for my own gain, i hope they are secretly true and fufilling , i hope they are generous and needed. I hope i am not the girl who hurts your feelings, and i hope i am someone who loves and hugs you