3/27/2025, 12:58 am

dear blog,

_{why dont you go back? to falling apart}

the neediness to be in control. That’s always been the issue for me. the eagerness in me, it begs for it, to have control of everything and everyone that gives me difficult times. i look at them, when they look away from me, disgust and planning enters my mind, i will draw it

how much grace can someone give, i mean seriously? i don’t mean to be an angry person, it is unfortunate that i see myself becoming like my nana and mom everyday. My mom, claiming to be loyal and honest. Confrontational in the good ways, and always willing to admit when she is wrong; she is all of the above unless the issues lie because of her, which, most of the time they do. hypocrites are the fucking worst. seeing people like that make me remember how fucked as a society we are. how most of us are all so “high and mighty” yet can’t even pick up their own shit. it’s ridiculous really, i feel so much anger for people like this. My entire family consists of a bunch of finger pointers. i wish they would all die when they do stupid idiotic things like that. i feel like i am just that much better than them, knowing i’m a young lady, younger than them all, and hold morals and law that they are too selfish too see for themselves. My nana is nice, but she’s so emotional and anxious. Self centered because everything ever revolves around her and her emotions. God, please don’t let me end up like these narcissistic women.

I have no words that anybody takes serious. i am emotional of course, but only when it’s right. I wish i would die and i wish everyone else would die too. they’d be so shocked if they heard me write like this. You, are a manic cheater. I feel sorry for your girlfriend, you are too much of a coward to make her your wife. You, put all the men in your life over the ones who share the same cells as you. You, let your anxieties control you so that you not only are ruining others lives but your own. You, have children with a woman who has put you through hell and back, you have no care for your children or their lives. You are scum. You are all scum. I wish i could get away, now i understand why my mom and nana got in marriages so young. Women are vulnerable and somehow, daughters are always left to take care of families and their issues. They ran away, but i wondered if they knew that because of those few years of “bliss”, they would be greeted with the exact same dead end they tried to get out of before. I feel bad, of course i understand, but because of you i’m left to deal with this dysfunctional shit too. How much hope can i give myself? this is my reality, i’m stuck in this shit show. Nobody ever listens to me

every boyfriend i’ve had disgusts me. except for the one i had in freshman year, he was nice, but that’s only because i still wear rose colored glasses and want to believe i had it good at one point. he realistically was shitty too, but compared to the others he is tame. i never want to depend on boys, but its so nice when they are nice. i just can never be dumb enough like the women in my family, i feel so bad but they’re so stupid that i can’t help but laugh at their decisions that they constantly blame on others. if i have a boyfriend, or husband, who will stay, he can never boss me around. i’d rather die than let anyone try to water something down that has tried to flourish for years and years. i am meant to be free, i am meant to love what loves and give to what gives. everyone will respect me, i am not as dumb as you all make me out to be