7 months ago

dear blog,

i hate my mom... i hate my family... all of them are so horrible to both themselves and the people that are around them. my mom in specific, she is very aware of the chaos and the agony that all of us go through on a daily basis, yet she adds to the fire and even enjoys it. sick woman. selfish. disgusting. inside of me, i am guilty because i know i am apart of her, and in that sense i know deep inside i will never be able to escape her grasp for this reason. a daughter will forever be melted into her own mother. i vomit inside my own mouth, thinking about ever becoming as selfish and vulgar as her. i don't enjoy being so hateful, or to sound so horrific towards the people i am supposed to be so close to; but i am tired of giving them my all. my compassion. the oldest daughter can only feed into everyones delusion for so long until she breaks, i am made of porcelain.

to scream yet say nothing at all. my sound waves remain silent. closed. secluded. alone. tormented, i feel mocked by the people around me. can i be so ignored that nobody cares to hear or sympathize with my pains? there is a knife deep inside of my stomach, and everyone takes turns twisting it around. why? is there no such thing as unity or heart between any of you ... why is a girl like me forced to comprehend and hold all of you while i am left alone. my shouting is left unheard and the pain inside of my heart worsens. a growing 'why?' that i will never understand, yet all of you are apart of me in body. and i am like you.

in times like this i wish i was filled with the knowledge of never "understanding", so i too can be as cruel and my eyes can finally be closed to the suffering that goes on here. is that why you are all so utterly arrogant when it comes to others pain? were your eyes closed from the moment you fell unto the earth? if i am capable of feeling, then so are you. you are not stupid. do not treat me like i am nothing

once im older, i am very excited to run away. i am not forced to sympathize and reconcile with the ones who dont know how. its never my job to teach them. it is my turn to be okay. i cry and i cry, and i wonder why i am the one who has to endure the pain of loving the things that break and shatter me so often. i hate every single one of you that force me to go through this; alone. i am alien due to my peculiarity to understand, and i am conscious. you will not throw rocks at me anymore. i wont allow it

as of now, there is lots of thunder around