4/7/2025 9:03pm

dear blog,

hello, i have my laptop! my mom dropped off a lot of my stuff to me and i am happy that i have my stuff all in one place. in this blog, i will be updating the void about my feelings and thoughts, my current life situation, and goals. lets read shall we . . .

well, i have been alright for the most part. i started off fresh. i feel good, and rejuvinated. i have this weird thing, i feel my best when i rid of everything that was "me" before. this happens a lot on my phone but, i do it in other ways too. i will move my bed to the other side of the wall, and then i will put the lamp in the corner so that the light hits in a way that makes it looks like my room is an entire different area. then, i will get up and go in the shower. i will look myself in the mirror, and i look like me, the right one. my face is shiney, i wash it well. all the feelings fade from my body as i wash them all away, and down the drain they go. they like to stay and live inside me, in my pores and my bloodstream, but after a while i have to kick them all out. i am a phone and i have to do my own factory resetting. it feels good, when i move my room and decorations around and become someone entirely new for just that small while

i dont know, this is why i am so lonely. i only grow once im rid of people, the people that were hidden inside me all along. theyre still there, but its just crumbs of them now. i carry them wherever i go, im a full puzzle piece made up of pieces everyone has left for me. im grateful for them all, but i havent quite figured out how im going to stay. like, staying with other people. the closest people know about this habit of mine, well, theyre no longer close but i used to be with them. they only know because of this habit of fleeing, they are witnesses, all of them. it isnt good i know, my dad told me before i had cut our ties, " do to people what you want done to you " or something along those lines. he told me to drop off flowers to one of my friends, because it is a sweet gesture, and i hadnt talked to her for a while. well, i dont know. when im around, i either start to hate you, or get so excited that i have to let you go before it becomes too bad. i have a couple people i have known for a long while, but we do not talk. i dont think of them day to day. its just social media, is all

today i went to the clinic, i had to get assessed all over again because i missed too many of my appointments. here i am, telling this woman about my most harsh and horrible moments, she moves onto the next question and then what i had said before is all done. just, weird. i dont know. i didnt want her to comfort me or anything, it was just to see where i was at and so she could update some details. but, still. its just weird how i can get worked up so easily, and then it becomes nothing. or how i remember, and then the time passes, and i am supposed to forget. i dont really know. maybe i just dont bring up stuff that much, so that when i do it is a big deal. opening a can of worms! how fun... well, i guess that is just how everyone feels sometimes. i dont know anything at all

thats all i want to write today. i was gonna write more but im too lazy and my feet are coldso im uncomfortable, so bye for now